Monday, January 5, 2015

Put on your cape and fly....

It's obvious to me I have not been on here blogging away like my old creative self. Honestly I have had plenty of things to write about... Like remodeling my studio, closing the studio for good, buying a new house, renovating, camping in the RV, hating dating, becoming a recluse, meeting the man of my dreams and letting him walk away because I am stubborn and set in my ways, my baby girl made me a grandma and the gray hair just keeps on coming.... I lost my faith, lost myself, heck... I just got lost period. Talk about stuck in some quick sand.

How in the world can I fly when I just felt so stuck. I am so truly blessed but why did I feel stuck.
I have written about it before... I thought I was over it. But in life every thing beyond this moment is the unknown. I was stuck because every decision I am making is potentially life changing and what if it wasn't right. I was stuck because I was trying to control the unknown. Trying to sway the future. Lay some path that was perfectly designed by me all nice and smooth so the outcome of the day was me skipping along like kid with a lollipop and not a care in the world. Then I remembered that day I split my chin open... I was skipping up and down the front steps at my grandfathers house with my new sandals on... new equals slippery and skipping up and down the steps even though I was told not to over and over again did not end well. I put on my cape, I wore the cape, I was flying... Face first into the bottom of those stairs.

Why does it feel like every time something doesn't go as we have planned it that we are taking a face plant into the concrete? Something not going your way does not mean it is devastating and wrong it just means it wasn't the right thing right now. Make some changes and carry on. Oh goodness how many times do I have to hear you are playing the victim, you are crazy, you are a bitch or you were NOT nice to me before I say... Suck it up. We are on a constant journey into the unknown and it scares me... it freaking paralyzes me. I don't want to get married again. I did that, twice. I have opened, renovated and closed my store so many times that the dream got lost and seems like a blur. I worry about everything and everyone. My mind does not stop it just keeps going and going like the energizer bunny. I want it to stop. So I'm sorry if you have seen me on an off day where I have not treated you well, where I have acted like a crazy bitch or sat in a puddle of my own tears and had a pity party. Guess what.... I am sure you have had plenty of days like that too.

It surely will be a life lesson everyday for the rest of my life that today is a new day and the past is the past and I can't change a darn thing I did or said. I can't change how I acted or reacted. I can't change the past. However... I can change the regret by learning from it instead of growing bitter and hiding from it. I can allow myself the chance to put the cape on again, wear the cape again and fly again. I can allow myself the freedom of realizing that if just one little detail of my past changed I would not be here right now. My plan in high school was to go to college, become an Architect and travel and live on a horse ranch with 10 kids and a white picket fence. My life took some twists and turns. I put on that cape and wore it and I surely did fly. Finding myself planted face first in the concrete many times... I took chances, made choices and I braved the unknown. This holiday season I was reflecting on how things would have been so different.  I would not have my 3 amazing sons. Alexandria would not have met Darien and she would not have my sweet little grand baby. Oh goodness... I may not have even had Alex.  I would have never even tried to follow my dream and open a store. I would have not moved to Louisiana and began creating the way I create today. I would not have this amazing home and my new studio with fresh new ideas. I would have never met the man of my dreams and his adorable son. Yes... I let him walk out the door but I didn't let him walk too far. You may think all those decisions you make are permanent but they are not. You can make choices and take chances that can change the outcome of many things because what do you have to lose. Stop waiting for your superman, your dream to come true, your journey to begin.... Just put on the cape, wear the cape and fly.

This is what happened when I took a chance and ventured into the unknown.
I realized,
 Doug is the love of my life and even though it isn't exactly how I planned it to be its better and more perfect then I could have ever dreamed. That once I let go of past hurts and regrets and stopped taking it out on him and blaming myself for things from my past that were beyond my control...
 I found TRUE love exists and he truly loves me just as I am. Now I can only pray that a happy marriage and amazing life together is in our future. 
I realized the man my daughter chose as her perfect isn't my perfect for her but she loves him and they gave me a beautiful grand baby. They are happy and that is all that matters.
I changed and rearranged and I didn't give up on my dream... but I almost did. Now I am living in my forever home with a beautiful studio attached that is better then I could have ever dreamed or planned. It was hard work to get here. So many choices and dead ends and crossroads but we are here and its home and its wonderful. I find my peace. I embraced life. I was ready to fly and I did. 
I earned everyone of those grey hairs on top of my head. 
I would not change a thing.

My advice take it or leave it...
Don't fear the unknown. You have nothing to lose. I am proof that face planting in the concrete only hurts for a minute. Just take it as an attitude adjustment.
We all need one every now and again.

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