Friday, May 17, 2013

Come to the River

It has been a long time since I have been close enough to my maker, to feel His presence and to hear what is meant for ears other then just my own... It took me a long time to be willing and obedient to share my testimony of the journey of my life. Hell it took me a long time to admit the journey was a figment of my imagination and I created it. Every step I took I chose and none of which I regret but all of which I choose to never walk again. I choose to blame only me for my short comings and mistakes and that is a heavy burden to carry. Today I find forgiveness. Today, after a failed marriage, a divorce, a broken home, broken hearts and 3 amazing little boys torn from what they knew as family... today I sat watching my son perform on the piano in a play at his school. I sat on a bench with my other 2 sons and their father... I caught myself looking at us as a family again and wondered where the hell that came from and I found myself fighting back tears... wondering where the hell those came from. I welled up with emotions I believe have been repressed.  I know that God is good and He has a plan. I believed for so long for healing in my marriage when really I needed healing. I saw myself as a failure. I believed the words people spoke over me and they were not words of encouragement. They were not words of truth. I was a failure as a daughter, a wife and a mother.

I attended church for the first time in a long time 3 weeks ago... only to hear God give me a word for a friend. In marriage you give yourself to your husband and your husband gives himself to you. You are meant to stand beside each other and encourage each other. NOT TEAR EACH OTHER DOWN. That should not come as a surprise to most but to me it did and to pass it on to a friend... HE trusts me, HE believes in me, HE forgives me and HIS grace and mercy endures forever! It was not just word for a friend but word for me because I found myself making excuse after excuse as to why I would never marry again. Engaging in countless attempts at relationships only to sabotage them from the start! I know and believe that God has someone for me. In his timing... All in HIS timing.  Well You can imagine to my surprise that the next week at church I hear that only after an apology can there be forgiveness and if an apology is never made... Give it to the Lord to take care of and move on. There is a depth to that I can;t seem to put into words but you get the point... One my grandfather always told me. Even if you feel it isn't even your fault apologize because the time wasted on stupid nonsense, rehashing and bitterness is not worth it... Life is too short. Someone has to take the first step might as well be YOU!!! Then of course this past weekend was mothers day. The pastors tag teamed. You see a realness of life. one I appreciate! I am a mom and that will never change. I don't know if I even really have a point but this is the first step of many that I can honestly say I am back. Every piece of me restored, renewed and redesigned.

Listen to this song. Hear the words... I can sing it at the top of my lungs with tears in my eyes... It is called Come to the River.

Music is and always has been a driving force of emotion for me. I have to say I have been trotting on the "other" side of the river. You know on the banks of the river that are rocky, over grown and full of thorns. I could have chosen the path that was cleared away and made to walk on but I got lost. Lost my faith, my creativity, my heart and my passion. I thought I could do it all by myself but I can't... In loneliness we turn to man for answers and we are let down because the only one who can really honestly feel the voids we have is the one who loves us truly and unconditionally and the is my GOD!

I came to the river and drank. I don't want to thirst anymore. I want to dream and see them come true again. I want to create and see it inspire again. I want my heart mended and full of passion ready to love who God has for me. I am ready to feel LOVE and give LOVE. Something I didn't truly believe existed till I walked out of that auditorium by myself tonight in tears. I was humbled by the invitation from my ex husband to sit with our boys. It may never be what I created in my head our family would look like but it will be what God wanted it to be. God is Good and I trust He has a plan even if I don't see it. Today I find closure to MOVE FORWARD.

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