Wednesday, December 5, 2012

All about your heart!

You have always heard me say... Life is a journey. We can choose to be whatever we want. Happy, sad, bitter, rude, hateful, depressed... Blah, blah, blah. 

So, I've been thinking. I do that way too much I have been told but it is me. Like it or not I think and re-think and contemplate EVERYTHING. There is an amazing peace inside when you know everything was your choice and you did it anyway. GOOD or BAD. Doesn't matter what the decision was. You realize that it still is your choice and you learn from all the choices that led you to where you are right now and make better choices... 

When I was 17 my grandfather took me on a cruise just 2 months before I got married. He says... you could have more of this if you don't get married... ( I wanted to be an Architect, travel, experience life, settle down, have 10 kids on my ranch with horses and a white fence. ) I could have had that... But "they" said I couldn't do it and I believed them!
So I got married anyway. We were happy, We were in love, We had 2 amazing children, We lived life, We made decisions and grew up together. This or that happens and you just get past it until you can't get past it anymore and you are left with more choices and decisions. In the midst of all of that... There is hurt, there was a lot of crying, pain and heart break. He thought I cheated, I knew he cheated but he says it was because he didn't think I loved him.  I pushed it away and didn't deal with it. Yes. I have come to realize... running away, giving up and repressing was what I did best! I thought I was ready and no sooner did I get out of one relationship I jumped into another. I was safe. I said I was never getting married again. I said I wasn't going to have anymore kids. I was broken... but he filled a void. When He played his music I felt at peace. A peace I had never felt before. 

I was enamored.

 [ in ámmərd ]   
  1. in love with somebody: inspired with love or passion for somebody
  2. captivated: charmed, fascinated, or captivated by somebody or something

I know I made mistakes. I made choices and the insecurities I brought into the first marriage I surely brought into the second just with a little different perspective.

We said things there were hurtful. I know God just looked down on us shaking his head saying... my children... All you have to do is look to me and everything will be okay! The more we hurt inside the more we hurt others. It took many years of counseling for me to get over MY hurt. Not hurt caused by others. MY hurt. The way I see it, If I am making my choices for my life. Even in a marriage, relationship or friendship. We have the choice and only we are responsible for them. I chose to submit to my husband and change me to do what he asked. When we should have cultivated a relationship and built a foundation knowing that who we are would never change. God created each of us unique for a reason. We need to realize that we each bring that unique to the table. It will always rub wrong because how I do it is not how you do it, But because I love you and I know what makes you happy and content I compromise. It is however an equal path we travel and your significant other has to do the same for there to be balance. It isn't hard. The bible doesn't say just the wife must submit. It says submit one to another! 

So the question is what piece of the heart do we follow after it has been broken into a million pieces... 

We don't follow any. We patiently put each piece back together looking at each piece carefully and mending the hurt of each broken piece! Learning from each one and finding our self again! It is the hardest part. Not only do we have a broken heart but we are naturally lonely, weary and just want to give up! Doesn't matter how big the smile is, it is just a mask until you deal with the hurt and broken pieces! 

So I have come to this place. I am faced with even more choices.
Stand on the faith that has carried my dreams or close Create 365 and move on!
Answer the phone when I know it is someone calling for something I do not have. 
Tell my children no when I want to give them the world! 
Get out of bed when all I want to do is sleep. 
Smile when I really want to cry. 
Do I believe that things really do happen for a reason and God really does have a plan and one day I will look back and say. What was I so afraid of? Why did I try to figure it all out when I should have known all I had to do was give it to Him and He would take care of it. 
My faith is being restored. My heart is mending. He knows my heart and the heart wants what it wants. If I teach my children anything that will be that no matter what don't ever give up on what your heart is telling you is right, Love hard,  live like it may be your last day, be honest and courageous.  Sing out loud if you want to, dance in the rain if you want to, scream if you want to, Laugh hysterically if you want to... Even if everyone is staring and "they" think you look ridiculous. You will know the time and the place to be respectful, but you never know, IF it is a feeling inside you, who is watching and maybe they needed it way more then you.  

I married young and then too fast. Not any of it was a mistake. It was all a blessing and I can say that today and mean it with all my heart. It has been a long journey. Today is a new day... Your life is what you make it so make it the most amazing life possible!

Here is a song for you...
I don't mind your odd behavior 
It's the very thing I savor 
If you were an ice cream flavor 
You would be my favorite one 

My imagination sees you 
Like a painting by Van Gogh 
Starry nights and bright sunflowers 
Follow you where you may go 

Oh, I´ve loved you from the start 
In every single way 
And more each passing day 
You are brighter than the stars 
Believe me when I say 
It's not about your scars 
It's all about your heart 
[ Lyrics from
You´re a butterfly held captive 
Small and safe in your cocoon 
Go on you can take your time 
Time is said to heal all wounds 

Oh, I´ve loved you from the start 
In every single way 
And more each passing day 
You are brighter than the stars 
Believe me when I say 
It's not about your scars 
It's all about your heart 

Like a lock without a key 
Like a mystery without a clue 
There is no me if I cannot have you 

Oh, I´ve loved you from the start 
In every single way 
And more each passing day 
You are brighter than the stars 
Believe me when I say 
It's not about your scars 
It's all about your heart

It is all about your heart. God gave us love in our hearts to share. We are too hard on our self and too hard on others. I know one day, maybe one day someone will storm into my life and I won't know what hit me and he will be wonderful, handpicked and the love of my life. Until then I am yet again perfectly content being me, being mom and being exactly what God wants me to be right now. My faith is strong. I know my heart it isn't about my scars!

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