I feel like the one losing!

On my way to drop the kids off before I went to work... I was listening to KLOVE a christian radio station... they always say, the right music is played just when we need it most... Every song on the way was about FORGIVENESS... Yep. I thought I had but God said, Oh no you didn't! I had already been praying. What the hell went wrong? I was asking myself, God and others... I know what I did. I know what he did. I know why I walked away. I am hurting, broken, feeling shame, disgrace and embarrassment. What the hell happened? I always said I forgave him. He didn't even know he was hurting me. Maybe? I told him enough. Was he listening? Then SMACK. right in the face... DUH. It doesn't matter what he did. It doesn't matter how or why HE did what he did. God will take care of that. It matters why I keep going back for more. More answers, more hurt, more heartbreak. I don't have to but I choose to. It does not make it better it makes it worse. Forgiving does not mean you sit and take the pain. I didn't understand why HE could Hate me so much that he didn't even know or care how bad it hurt. Then it hit me. If I forgive him then it means that he gets away with that hurt. He wins. I lose. NO... It means I get peace and freedom to move on... Don't think for one second I am not believing for a miracle cause if anyone can make it happen God can but for now. Walking away is the answer. I have to Let go so God can move in! Boy do we try to get in the way... I heard one time that Gods trying to shoot an arrow of healing, of love, an arrow that can fix whatever you are going through... and because you are looking at man as the problem. You are getting in the way of the arrow. You are blocking Gods target. Maybe, your walls have been built up... Move out of the way and break down the walls.  Let go... Let God. May be something thrown around a lot but true! I know what I did and I am working on me. I am just not going to waste time anymore working on him too. It is time for hearts to be softened. God's got it under control. He can handle it. Whatever is Gods will... will be.

Listen to this song... I was inspired by encouraging word from Tenth Avenue North this morning. Talking about their new CD. He said you don't want to forgive the unforgivable because it means I lose.

http://soundcloud.com/provident/losing

LOSING
By Tenth Avenue North

I can't believe what she said
I can't believe what he did
Oh, don't they know it's wrong
Don't they know it's wrong
Well maybe there's something I missed
But how could they treat me like this
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love or this is hate...
We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father wont You forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'

Well it's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times
Cause Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
Though I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/tenth_avenue_north/feels_like_ive_been_losin.html ]
This is love or this is hate...
We gotta a choice to make

Oh Father won't You forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'

Why do we think that our hate's gonna break a hard heart
We're rippin arms over wars that don't need to be fought
Cause pride wont let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up but it's just to burn them down
We think our pain is own apologies and get them to stop
Well truth be told it doesn't matter if their sorry or not
Cause freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
Of Your mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down

Oh Father wont you forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin'
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'
I feel like I've been losing

Oh Father wont you forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin'
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'
I feel like I've been losing

Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/tenth_avenue_north/#share

Mark 11:25

New Living Translation (NLT)

²⁵ But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.^[a]”


If you can't forgive... God can't forgive you. I know I am not perfect. I fall short... EVERY day. What happens when I get angry and start walking in unforgiveness... then my whole world is consumed with sadness. We all want them to hurt as much as they hurt us. Right? Come on be real... Hurting people hurt. It is what it is. So today I chose to forgive... for real this time. It feels better. I feel better. I will overcome. Pick up the pieces. I am okay and only going to get better from here on out.