Friday, March 9, 2012


It has been brought to my attention that I need to find a "hobby" or figure out how to do things by myself. Solitude... it's not something that is a happy thought to me. I love big crowds, busy restaurants, slammed airports and I love entertaining. All of this has not been a part of my life because "certain" people in my life were the complete opposite. Everyone has a story to tell. My Story right now is something I really don't even know. I am finding myself again, or maybe for the first time. I am trying to find a balance between socializing and solitude and I know I am probably a little annoying to most. I have been seriously sheltered. I did not realize just how much I gave up to make one man happy. The kicker... He was never happy. Why do we do that to ourselves and others?  I know there is compromise in a relationship. I know we are to submit to our husbands. But where does it say that who God created us to be is not important and we must do as man says? I believe if it is true love. you know the person well enough that the foundation you built becoming best friends is enough to sustain through any compromise. You have to have honesty, communication, respect, love, and a passionate heart. Where does it say to lose self and be used as the welcome mat? When I get quiet in a place where I have no choice but to just be alone. Alone as in... no friends, no family, no church, NOTHING... I just want to scream. I know it is just a season right now because I am angry. This to shall pass.

Mom is who I am first! Everything else is not important right now. However when they are with their dad I am going to do the things I have a passion for. I am "trying" to make new friends. I am exploring. I am entertaining. I love an empty movie theater. Loud and no one chomping pop corn or narrating. I love to sit and talk with a friend...  I love a martini... not the ones with olives. the girlie mixed ones. It is a journey but I know my limits. I love to BBQ. I am walking the track by my house and I wouldn't call it playing tennis but I love to hit tennis balls against the wall... { I will learn to love to exercise} I love music all kinds of music and YES, I play it with the volume all the way up in my car. I love that each day is not a start over or do over... it is a continuation of the journey. I learn something from every experience I have. I am strong and independent. I am willing and able to do what it takes to give my kids the best upbringing possible. Guide them to be strong and independent. I mean what I say and say what I mean. To be honest I wish people would do the same with me. Someone told me the other day my life is like a reality TV show. They did not mean it in a "mean" way but imagine if your life was being looked at under a magnifying glass... Someone told me they used to be inspired by my faith but I am a different person now. Really. I am the same. I just filed for divorce. "They" see the obvious. What drives a woman to pack up the garbage bag of clothes she has... ( the only thing she takes with her after 12 years in a marriage with who she believed was the love of her life) leases a house, furnishes a house ( everything... silverware, dishes, towels, clothing for the kids, shoes, socks and underwear), Up roots her children from what they have known these few first years of their life, leaves her church, loses friends, loses family, loses her dream and  loses pieces of her heart along the way... ???
Yes. I filed for divorce. The reasons are really no ones business... but think about it. I filed for divorce. ME, a woman strong in faith, strong in truth, strong in the word... A woman who has taught others and encouraged others to stand and wait for God. Well, There has been more movement in my life and my ex husbands life in the past 2 months than in our entire 12 years together. People. God has a plan and just because you don't think it is the NORMAL. Doesn't mean that I am not hearing from God. What it means is that we all get a little too religious, hypocritical and judgemental. What may be right for me may not be right for you. A true friend will see it through. It does not mean you have to be a part of it. It might mean I may not be there for you right now.  It means I may make bad decisions and I may make good ones. No matter what, My heart, who I am... that does not change. If you are my true friend. You know my heart and know that I have spent more time than was needed counting the costs to come to a decision like this. I had peace about my decision but still stayed. Went to more counseling and kept holding onto my faith. Well just because I left and filed for divorce does not mean I gave up on my faith. I believe God needs us to keep moving forward. Continue on the journey. Continue with His plan. When you become stagnant, it takes something drastic to set it in motion again. I am not perfect but neither was he.

Why am I saying all of this. I appreciate everyone's opinion. I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings because I filed for divorce. I am going to have to LIVE MY LIFE. So please turn the channel. This reality show has been canceled.

This is the definition of....


HAP'PINESS, n. [from happy.] The agreeable sensations which spring from the enjoyment of good; that state of a being in which his desires are gratified, by the enjoyment of pleasure without pain; felicity; but happiness usually expresses less than felicity, and felicity less than bliss. Happiness is comparative. To a person distressed with pain, relief from that pain affords happiness; in other cases we give the name happiness to positive pleasure or an excitement of agreeable sensations. Happiness therefore admits of indefinite degrees of increase in enjoyment, or gratification of desires. Perfect happiness, or pleasure unalloyed with pain, is not attainable in this life.

I am happy and I will have happiness in every decision I make. Thank you Lord for your mercy and grace! EVERYDAY!


  1. I love you Amy and I'm sorry you are going through times of being judged for your actions....I totally support your decision, you need to be happy.

  2. When we were let go from the church a dear, close, spiritual friend stopped talking, calling, texting, seeing..., 2 years later I contacted her and she told me
    she had felt caught in the middle. It was awkward for her. Another friend whose friendship was not so intimate said, "we're so sorry, so sad, shocked, crying and praying for you, here for you". I wish the former would've had the reaction of the latter. Who knows how people will react to your situations and decisions. Perception is cloudy at best. Truth is clear yet hardest to find. In any crisis looking to the Lord will bring us out of the tailspin of crazed emotions and irrational thoughts. That's where your faith in God will be strengthened and glorified. It's not so much a matter of finding yourself again or even for the first time. However, it is about finding humility so God can do exactly what needs to be done to work in your situation; whether it works a virtue in you, your children, or others. I'm
    not sure how sipping wine or martinis is of any help spiritually though. You might wanna go to the Word to relax and unwind instead. :) side note: I wish I had walked deeper in humility when we were going through all of that painful mess.
    Wish you weren't going through all that you are. Praying God will have your heart, soul, & mind every step of the way.


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