Saturday, October 6, 2012

Did I say that I need you?

So I am sitting at breakfast a few days ago with 2 of my "Bestest Friends" and this song comes on the radio!!!
Just Breathe by Pearl Jam

Music just rips into my soul. I listen to the music in the car at the max volumn. It calms me, it excites me, it energizes me, it really makes me happy. So this song. Um, well sitting with friends, new friends... who really are truly friends. Who are there when I need them most. No matter if I say something stupid or completely inappropriate. No matter if I violate every friendship rule there is. No matter what. They know me, Know my heart and know I will do the same for them. Nobody is perfect and its ok. I am thankful for the amazing people in my life TODAY.

Unplanned encounters with someone who is real, honest, kind, intelligent... a "grown up" Someone who has captured my heart and it is okay that it is completely new and unknown, It is okay that I am "smitten"!
Definition of Smitten.... "Affected with some passion; excited by beauty or something impressive." Just in case you were wondering!

Having breakfast with a friend who is about to bring a miracle into this world and lights up the room talking about her husband, her daughter and her soon to arrive son and on the opposite end of the spectrum a friend that I believe whoever captures his young heart will be the luckiest woman alive... and when he finds her he will enjoy all the firsts he desires in his heart. ( but in the meantime I get to steal a few moments of his time allowing me to watch him grow and learn from him how to live again )

Spending time with a woman who has more stories in her life then I can ever imagine. Who has lived more of a life then I can imagine. Who shares freely her wisdom and unconditional love. Who is the most beautiful woman I have ever met. She has a contagious laugh. She has watched me die inside and rise above and encouraged me all the way, but let's be clear about what encouraging means. It is not always that warm and fuzzy feeling when encouragement spills out of the mouth of someone who truly loves and cares about you. Somethings were very tough to hear and swallow. Nobody wants to hear the real truth that will actually snap you out of the disengaged muck you sit in. Don't get mad at the one that loves you. Get mad at yourself and do a U-turn, grab a shovel and dig yourself out the muck. Get over whatever has you stuck!

I began the journey of getting unstuck 4 years ago when the death of my grandfather gave me a huge wake up. I always contemplated what I would do when my grandfather wasn't there anymore... Cry and never stop. Curl in a ball and hibernate in a cave!!! He is the first person, only person in my life that is gone... I can't talk to him face to face though I know in some ways he is looking after me because reminders of him are all over, all the time. I always said he would take care of me long after he was gone. His wisdom surpasses anyone I ever know! It was such an amazing realization that our life is so short. To me he lived a productive and fulfilling life and when I looked at mine... well not so productive and fulfilling. I got married young and  had amazing children ( which to me was the only thing I ever did right).Why did I long for so much more? I will never forget the words of my counselor when I unloaded my whole life to her in the first 5 minutes of our first session... she said, " first, you are not crazy. second, You are a woman dealing with A LOT of shit!" So every session I dished out more SH**! Until there wasn't anymore to dish. When the pity party was over, I began to heal. See life for the reality of life. For what it was and not for what I had created in my head for it to be, because my standards were that of a fairy tale. The movie kind. Not what I described as my own personal fairy tale in my last post. Joy, peace, love, happiness of the real kind is YOUR choice. It was my choice and sorry but I had to stop being a people pleaser and begin to please God. Care more about myself because I always came last and believe it or not everyone paid in the long run because I was tired and bitchy trying to be perfect for everyone else and doing nothing I was remotely interested in doing.

A sweet friend told me recently, "now it is time for you to do for you!" Wow... tears welled up into my eyeballs and guilt crushed me. How do I do that when everyone else needs so much more then I do?

I love hard, give unconditionally and care very deeply for everyone in my life, even if I just met you! The sad thing is when I broke, because you will, I promise you will... Many of my "friends" scattered to the ends of the earth and I was left alone to clean up the mess I had made. ( yep, I said I had made) Choke down those words for a minute! WE MAKE THE CHOICES, IT IS OUR DOING.... EVERY TIME!!! You know if it is right or wrong. Funny we always chose wrong cause it's comfortable or easy!

The lyrics of this song just prove to me the simplicity of the life we live. It is simple, we just tend to overthink it... I am so guilty of this! Just love the ones you love. Allow them to love you. Be thankful for those in your life. We all have a purpose. Be open, listen and learn from the people who have crossed your path. There are so many things I am thankful for. I am a better person for the muck I have been stuck in a time or 2.

So here is to realizing sometimes alone is good but with all the amazing people in my life TODAY... I am not alone at all. Signed, finally content in my own skin.

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