Ramblings....

Where have I been....? I promised to keep my personal blog personal... This post is about as personal as it can get.

What a journey I have been on this past year.... If you would have asked me at the beginning of the year.....So. do you think you will have your scrapbook store, restored marriage and complete forgiveness of life to start over fresh by the end of the year.....? I would of said Hxxx NO. Sorry just being honest. My dream of owning a scrapbook store was the furthest from my mind.... My marriage was falling apart into so many pieces I did not think there was any hope and well I had so much baggage I was secretly carrying { well secret in my mind...I think everyone else knew but was afraid to talk to me about it. ha. kind of ironic} I think that baggage would fill up a couple of land fills.

The hardest thing in life is to turn the finger around and point it at yourself. It is easy to blame others for your hurting when you don't realize you are hurting YOU! Those lies in our mind are so real to us but not really what is truth...

I heard my husband say at times that he should have those men in white pick me up it was time for my straight jacket... Believe me at times I felt I was going crazy. In January I just took a step....A step toward healing... The hardest baby step I have ever taken and since I have been on a journey of growing up.... finding the true meaning of love.... realizing that I am so worthy and put on this earth for a reason despite all the lies I believed from the mouths of people I thought should love me unconditionally. I stopped and looked UP in the very moment I had nothing else.

You all know I am a faith driven woman but when you are hurting you feel like you are all alone and there is nothing that can comfort you!

I found comfort in the sweet little comments on my blog, the sweet surprises in my mail box, sweet emails of encouragement and blog posts from friends who were feeling hurt. We all have skeletons in the closet. All of them are different and valid no matter what they are.

Everything starts with a baby step, a lot of faith and courage....

So with one baby step I have a purpose....I am no longer defined by the titles the world puts on me.... I am just me...I am not Alex's Mom, or Jasin's wife or the girl who is so creative...... I am Amy. Who happens to love being Alex's mom, Jasin's wife and getting my creative on! I decide what is important and if someone does not like it... That is okay with me. I can say it is not selfish because I am not selfish but my time on this earth is precious to me. So each moment will be savored!

So with the second baby step I realize that I have the most wonderful husband and he LOVES me.... We all know our husbands love us but this to me is big because I actually know true love. It is a tough thing to swallow when I look in the mirror and see a little girl who never really felt love or knew it much. My mom and grandparents did the best they knew how but nobody was there to show them either. I am talking about true love, unconditional, the kind of love that you are forgiven for your mistakes, not disowned. Once I realized this love I could actually Love my husband and know his love for me.... I could actually love my children... Wow now that is deep.....

Now the third baby step.... { Let me just say that in between these baby steps you know we all fall down and have to start over again.... My tush hurt more than you will ever know cause I fell and got right back up so many times on this journey...} My dreams.... I remember saying to my grandma... one day I will have a store like this....while I was looking in amazement at a beautiful house with hand made beauties and a workshop with supplies to get creative. Well I got married the first time when I was 17 then my grandfather told me when I found out I was pregnant shortly after that I would never be able to go to school or do all the things I always talked about. I believed him...Since divorced and remarried and 5 children later, with the baby about to be in school...I had to do something.

When I started praying about it I began to realize that for the last 10 years I had been doing something about it but I was so blinded by all the hurt and junk I could not leave in the past that I did not see what God had been orchestrating all along..... He was here holding my hand. With a series of choices and paths that sometimes I had to turn and go the other way but found the right path in the end. My children are here to carry on the legacy being birthed in our family. I had to find forgiveness and leave this hurt in the past. I had to find what true love is. I had to realize I am so worthy, before I could continue this journey....

So now I am restored, my marriage is restored, my family is restored and I find joy everyday in the gifts God has given me.... My amazing husband and children, my wonderfully supportive friends and my dream come true... my store. a place where my girls and I can gather and love on each other. I never could understand why we are so mean to each other.

Dig down deep inside and find something nice to say to a friend today. If you can't, just try to muster up a smile. You never know what someone is walking through.... You never know how hard it is to take that first baby step until you take your first...

Well that is all for today. Remember at the beginning of the year I told you my word of the year was finding Peace....an inner peace. I posted a few months ago I had found it....I was so wrong...But today....right now....I find peace! There are so many more days ahead and I am happy to say I will fall and get back up and fall and get back up.... Nothing or no one can stop me now!!!!!

Love you all, Hugs.